Most recently: I got married.
Pictures lead to their website, and our full wedding gallery.
I'm sitting here in my apartment, enjoying the weekend. It's my golden birthday on Tuesday and I got to celebrate today with my husband and my in-laws. We went out to the horse barn and watched Dan ride. Dan's parents, his sister, her husband and their 2 year-old daughter were able to come out to the farm and it was a great time. My niece was enthralled with the horses and really enjoyed getting to interact with them. Afterwards we went to a local apple orchard where I refrained from reenacting Eddie Izzard's "Covered in Bees" routine... (NSFW) Because they were everywhere!
I'm sitting here kind of kicking around a sort of "creative restlessness." Wedding planning is done. Wedding planning for my best friend's wedding is done. (Again, something that deserves a post of its own.) I dropped my second job. I have a lot more free time... But what should I do?
I've started reading again. I love it. I've let myself get distracted by the internet and the TV and work, and I've come to realize that my imagination has suffered. I'm currently working my way through Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke and I've also started reading Shadow Scale by Rachel Hartman as well as Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell. I've recently finished Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard. All four excellent books... and each makes me want to write and create in my own right.
And that's where I'm stuck.
I want to write. I want to draw. I want to make music... I used to do so much of all of that in middle school and high school... (and then focusing more on music in college.)Where did that motivation go? What happened to the inspiration? When did I suddenly become so full of self-doubt and self-criticism?
How do I turn off my perfectionism? How do I give myself permission to rebuild the skills and talents that I feel I had at one time, but have let lapse?
I know the answer is to "just do it." I know that's what the internet world will tell me... But I just have this really loud piece of my brain that's like "Well, if its not going to be perfect, why bother at all?" And then I just get stuck in this terrible limbo and do nothing.
I tell myself that it's okay to make something lame, or sloppy or "not very good" ... But I get frustrated. I'm impatient. I remember what I used to be able to do and it's discouraging when it doesn't work out to what I see in my head.
I don't know what I miss more... Drawing or music... And I don't know if I have the drive to move myself out of limbo right now...